Hey, I got a feeling someone is touching my bike.
Fonzie, watch this. Wait till you see this. It's gonna be great.
I got a girl mannequin from my dad's store
- and we propped it up in Bert's car. - Wait till you see this.
- Here she comes. - Be cool.
Right. Right.
Okay, sweetie, what'll it be?
Come on, honey, I don't have all day.
Watch this.
Miss?
Miss? Miss?
Oh, I... Oh, I quit!
Fonz?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, he liked it.
Hey, hey, Potsie.
- Potsie, Potsie. - Hey, Rich.
You missed it. We pulled the greatest mannequin joke. What a fake-out.
Oh, but that's kid stuff.
- I got something better. - What?
- You ever been to a stag party? - Stag party?
- Sure, I guess so. - When have you?
Well, one time when I was in the Boy Scouts.
- Oh, man. - Oh, no. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
We had this party with just all guys,
and we had the wildest water-bomb fight.
I mean, you wouldn't even believe it.
- Water-bomb fights? - Oh, yeah.
Rich, I got us invited to my cousin Arnold's bachelor party.
He's getting married, and his friends are throwing him a stag.
That sounds like that's gonna be nice.
It's not gonna be nice. It's gonna be wild.
You think Marines are gonna have water-bomb fights?
Well, I guess...
They're gonna have funny wedding-night gifts,
lots of beer, platters of cold cuts, dirty pictures and everything.
- You wanna come with me or not? - Sure, that sounds pretty smooth.
Great, I'll pick you up tonight at 8:00.
Oh, wait a minute. Tonight?
My aunt Bessie's coming over to the house tonight.
Well, you can't bring her, it's stag.
My parents want me to hang around the house.
Well, try and get out of it.
You wanna sit with Aunt Bessie
or have some laughs with combat-hardened Marines?
- I'll figure a way to get out. - Okay.
The manager yelled at me for making his waitress quit.
She'll be back. She's always quitting.
Hey, Ralph, can you give me a ride home?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, Potsie, you wanna get ahead?
Yeah. Oh, man!
How does that grab you?
- Hurry up. Come on, Rich. - Okay, I'll be right there.
It's nothing compared to a Marine stag party.
I'll see you tonight. Make sure you can get out.
- Okay, I'll try. - All right.
Ralph...
It's following me!
Chuck, I've told you not to dribble in the house.
All right, Dad.
Sure glad he's not a shot-putter.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Gee, can I talk to you for a minute?
Can you wait just a second, Richie? I'm almost through with the headline.
I'm just joking. What is it?
Well, do I have to hang around tonight for Aunt Bessie?
- I've got this really great party to go to. - Richie, I have already lost Joanie.
Now if I lose you, that means Chuck is the only one left.
And you know what your brother is like without a basketball.
He can only hold a conversation in a huddle.
Gee, Dad, this party is really a big deal.
- It's being held at the Crystal Hotel. - What's the occasion?
Well...
Potsie's cousin Arnold is a Marine, and he just got back from Korea...
Welcoming the returning vets?
Oh, Richie, I'm proud of you.
They deserve it. We can't do enough for them.
- It's a bachelor party. - A bachelor party.
With Marines?
Real nice Marines. Arnold was an honour student.
Nice Marines.
Well, I suppose it's all right.
I think I can trust you.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
Too bad you can't stay.
Aunt Bessie's bringing the slides from her trip to Yonkers.
Oh, yeah. Well, I'm gonna be real sorry to miss that.
- Richie. - Yeah, Dad?
Take it easy tonight, huh?
Oh, I will, Dad.
Yes, Chuck?
Okay, Chuck, I'll explain it to Aunt Bessie.
Thanks, Dad.
Come on, we got time for one more order of milk.
Potsie, I feel like I'm going to a benefit for Elsie the cow.
- Do you wanna get drunk? - Of course not.
Then you gotta drink more milk. It'll coat your stomach
- so the booze can't get to you. - Are you sure about this?
- Yeah, milk is the best thing to use. - Olive oil.
Hey, Fonzie, Why'd you say olive oil?
- Because olive oil is better than milk. - You sure?
I just said it, didn't I?
Oh, yeah. Olive oil's better than milk.
I'll go see if I can get some from Arthur.
Hey, Fonzie.
Potsie and I are going to a bachelor party tonight.
You got anything big lined up?
No, I'm going to take it easy.
Dance a little, write a couple of things on the bathroom wall, go home.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, you know, Fonzie, I think you write
some of the best bathroom-wall stuff I ever read.
Yeah. They say I got a flair.
Arthur says if we want olive oil we gotta buy two salads.
- We can pick it up at the market. - All right.
Now, you got your gag gift, right?
Oh, yeah. Sure, I got it.
- Okay. Hey, see you, Fonzie. - Yeah, so long, Fonzie.
Handle it gently, fellas, this is my date for the evening.
I wonder if marriage is gonna be like boot camp.
I hope not.
Oh, Potsie, look at all the beer.
Was it my fault the market was closed?
Look, don't worry, I'll get the olive oil. Now remember, act old.
- Hey, Potsie, I'm glad you could come. - Glad to be invited.
Hi, I'm Arnold Drysdale, Potsie's cousin.
This is my friend Richard Cunningham.
Listen, the party's already started. Come on in, enjoy, have a cigar.
- Oh, I don't know... - Oh, of course he wants a cigar.
He loves cigars. His grandfather's from Georgia.
Well, now, wait...
Here you go, kid. Now, don't burn your hands.
- Oh, thanks a lot. - Sure.
Gee, you wanna play cards, Potsie? It'd be fun, we could play a little...
Hey, here. Here, let me have some.
Hey, fellas, I gave the kids the cards. Watch them, watch them.
You're not kidding, wow.
Potsie, look at this girl on the ten of diamonds.
- Oh, yeah, she's hot stuff. - She looks really nice.
She's not exactly the kind of girl you take home to meet your mother.
Hey, it looks like both of you got a full house, huh?
Hey, Duke, when were you gonna get down to serious drinking?
Hey, take it easy, pal. I got some drinking games planned
that'll blow these guys right out of their socks.
Potsie, did you hear that? Drinking games.
What'd you expect, Post Office?
I don't think I should play.
Look, Rich, this is a bachelor party.
Do you want these guys to think you're some kind of flaky kid?
Yeah, but you didn't get the olive oil.
Don't worry.
Hey, if worse comes to worse, I saw some hair oil in the bathroom.
Hair oil?
All right, you guys, back to the table.
We're gonna start playing a little drinking game.
Hey, it's snowing.
- We're ready for them. - Oh, not the hair oil.
- Olive oil. - You got it?
From the kitchen.
Genuine olive oil imported from Spain.
I thought the good stuff came from Italy.
When swiping something from a room full of men with meat cleavers,
you don't ask about nationalities.
- Here, take a swig. - All right.
Hurry up...
Come on.
Oh, it tastes like castor oil.
I didn't have time for the vinegar. Here, let...
It's awful.
We're men now, Rich.
Okay, all you guys.
The name of the game is Sloppy Sixties.
You all know the rules. You guys know the rules.
Now, you gotta down one shot of brew every 60 seconds.
First one out of the game is a draft dodger.
All right, get ready,
get set, bottom's up.
Hey, this is gonna be a snap.
Hey. Hey, this is nothing. I don't feel a thing.
- Me neither. - Okay.
- Get those drinks ready. - What's wrong?
- I think my teeth are numb. - Ready? Get set...
Okay, get ready.
Time.
Sixty seconds? You sure?
- It only felt like 57. - I know. I know.
All right, Sloppy Sixties is over.
- It's a 20-way tie. - All right.
Nobody's a draft dodger.
Well, we didn't lose.
Guess we showed these Marines a thing or two.
Yeah, but we didn't win either.
Do you like to win, Potsie?
I like to win.
Okay, gentlemen, the star attraction of the evening.
Fellow leathernecks, I give you Verna Laverne.
Hey, Potsie, her name's Verna Laverne.
Okay, boys, get ready to lose your good-conduct medals.
The War Department calls me its secret weapon.
You heard of the Marine hymn?
Well, I'm a Marine her.
Take it easy, boys. You're steaming my visor.
Potsie. Potsie, this is great. Potsie, Potsie.
Hey, this is a big one.
Come on, this is fantastic.
Once I went steady with a Marine.
That's how I learned hand-to-hand combat.
You'll have to excuse my friend. He's just a little tired.
Oh, he must be a sailor.
Okay, boys, I got more moves than Crazy Legs Hirsch.
You see, Potsie,
she wasn't a stripper like you thought.
She was more like
a lady Marine.
Hey, Verna.
Thank you, boys. Glad you liked the show. Bye.
Hey, good luck, honey.
Thanks. Hey, Verna, you were terrific.
- Thank you. - You were magnificent.
You were absolutely... You were absolutely magnificent.
- Thank you. - Yeah, we had a lot of fun.
- You need a lift home? - Oh, no, thanks, I've got my own.
You wouldn't be going across town by any chance, would you?
- Yeah. - Richie here could use a lift.
Oh, sure.
Oh, listen, I don't wanna impose.
That's not necessary, because I have my school bus pass.
Well, save it for school, honey. Come on. Bye.
- Bye-bye. - Thanks, Arnold.
Oh, say, listen, if you think I'll be crowding you, I could sit in the cake.
Home sweet home. Thanks for the ride.
Yeah, you bet.
- Here we go. - You know, Verna...
You don't mind if I call you Verna?
No, I don't mind. Say, "Good night, Verna."
Good night, Richie.
Oh, would you like to come in and meet my parents?
- Oh, thanks. Maybe some other time. - I'm sure they'd love to meet you.
They've never met a dancing girl,
especially one that comes out of a cake.
- I mean, that was really terrific. - Thank you.
Well, in my line of work, you don't get to meet too many parents either.
Good night, Richie.
So long.
Richie.
- What happened? - I think you fell down.
I thought somebody lifted up the house.
Very funny. Okay, let's go.
Oh, you're a very, very kind lady.
Thanks. Listen, where's your key?
Try and find it.
- Richie, come on, will you? - Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You tickled it out of me. Here it is.
Here we go. Good night.
- Don't make so much noise. - Me?
- Here you are. - Oh, thanks.
Now you're on your own. Okay? Good night.
What's the matter now?
I don't know what to do.
Well, I think you go up to your bedroom.
Oh, no, no, no. That's not what I mean.
Oh, this is really a problem.
I mean, when I take a girl home,
I know what to do, right?
I kiss her.
But I don't know what happens when the girl takes me home.
Okay, Richie. Good night.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Hi, come here. Hey, this is terrific.
You see, I told you my parents would wanna meet you.
Dad, I want you to meet my friend Miss Verna Laverne.
This is my father, Howard Cunningham,
- same last name as mine. - How do you do?
I think he had a little too much celebration.
Yes, I would think so.
Thank you very much for bringing him home.
Oh, Dad, Dad, Verna, or Miss Laverne,
is a dancing girl.
- Oh, how nice. - She dances in a cake.
- Really? - It's a living.
I better be going now. Bye.
Oh, say, maybe you could come back Sunday night for dinner.
Yeah, that'll be nice. Bye.
Bye. Thanks again for bringing him home.
You're welcome.
Oh, boy, kissed by a dancing girl.
Man, oh, man, if Potsie could have seen that...
Too bad you won't remember it in the morning.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Dad.
- Dad. - What?
I'll be able to listen better when I get my pyjamas on.
All right.
Here you go, Dad.
You know,
I wanna marry a girl just like Marilyn Monroe.
With me, it was Betty Grable.
I don't care what Potsie says.
The girl on the deck of cards was pretty.
Wonder what a girl like that was doing on the ten of diamonds.
- Oh, let me give you a hand. - Oh, no, Dad, I'm fine. Fine.
- Dad, would you lend me a hand? - Sure, Richie.
Oh, thanks.
When I was a kid we used to take our shoes off first.
You did? That's funny, Dad.
I'm really tired.
Dad, the bed's doing flip-flops.
Oh, you're just suffering from what's known as bed spins.
Bed spins?
It's kind of like a party favour.
That's it.
Oh, boy.
Hope the door is open.
- Hey, what's going on? - Nothing.
What are you doing here? I thought you went to a party.
- I got sleepy, so I came home. - Go on back to bed, Joanie. Please.
Who's in there? Richie?
Yes. Now will you go to bed, please?
Well, what's he sick about?
He's not sick, sweetheart. Now will you go to bed?
Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom, wake up. Richie's sick.
- What's the matter with him? - Nothing. Go on back to bed, Marion.
Oh, I'll bet it's the flu. A lot of people have been getting the flu lately.
- Maybe I better call Dr. McCabe. - No, don't call Dr. McCabe,
- and Richie hasn't got the flu. - Well, what has he got?
Well, nothing.
So that's what he's got.
Oh, Howard, he can hardly walk.
- He's paralysed. - Just temporarily.
Will you go back to bed, both of you?
- He's just a little tipsy. - Tipsy?
Oh, Mom, I forgot to tell you.
I invited this dancing girl over for dinner Sunday, and...
And don't worry about dessert, she'll be wearing it.
Oh, Ma, Richie,
he's grown up.
Well, that's some grown up.
- You're pretty sick, huh, son? - It must have been something I ate.
Probably the salami. You never know what they make salami out of,
- you know, Dad? - Yeah, that's true.
Couldn't be that you had too much to drink, now, could it?
Oh, that's silly.
All we had was some beer
in teeny-weeny glasses.
How many teeny-weeny glasses did you have?
Seventy-two.
I think it's time for some teeny-weeny cups of coffee.
I've made some black coffee, and I'll take it up to Richard.
Well, that's very nice of you, Marion,
but I think that you should handle measles, mumps and the grippe,
and let me handle plastered.
How did he get in that condition?
He had a few teeny-weeny glasses of beer with some nice Marines.
The nice Marines I've seen wouldn't do a thing like that.
They're all so neat and clean and stand up so straight.
Well, tonight he must have been with a few who slouched.
How tipsy is he?
About the way you were at Uncle Leo's wedding in Atlantic City.
- Oh, Howard, I just had a little glow. - A little glow.
Would you take Richard his coffee?
Marion, you put the centrepiece on your head and you danced around
imitating Carmen Miranda.
- You better take him the whole pot. - Yeah.
Oh, Howard, were you ashamed of me at Uncle Leo's wedding?
No, Marion, of course not.
Not after Grandma Rose got up
on the piano and danced the Charleston.
She did not.
Marion, I remember it vividly because it was the first time
I ever saw the Charleston done in orthopaedic shoes.
Will you take Richard his coffee so that we can get some sleep?
I'll drink to that.
I feel much better now.
Except for the funny white spots on the wall.
Here. Drink some more coffee.
Are you ashamed of me?
I'm not ashamed of you, Richie.
I think you've learned though that drinking doesn't make you a man.
I have. It only makes you sick.
Are you gonna punish me now or in the morning?
I'm not gonna punish you, Richie. I think you've punished yourself.
It's all part of growing up.
I guess so.
I just wanna go to sleep now,
so I can wake up in the morning and feel normal again.
Well, Richie, I wouldn't count on feeling normal
- until maybe the day after tomorrow. - What do you mean?
Never mind.
You have to live through it to believe it.
Oh, Dad. Do you think the bed's stopped spinning?
I think so.
Oh, good.
Oh, Dad...
...have a cigar.
- Why, thank you, Richard. - You're welcome.
- Good night, Dad. - Good night.
- Well, how is he? - He's fine.
He really was D-R-U-N-K, wasn't he?
Marion, you don't have to spell it out. Everybody's asleep.
He is such a good boy.
- Come on now, let's go to B-E-D. - Oh, Howard.
Hey, Marion, you want a cigar?
Fonzie, you should have seen the party we went to last night.
Right, Rich? It was really a great time.
It was a bunch of Marines and beer and food, and this dancing girl.
- She came out, and she took off... - Nothing.
- Nothing? - That's right, nothing.
Richie told me everything.
- I told him all about last night. - The whole night?
Did he mention if I had a good time?